Sister cradled the walnut shell thoughtfully in her left hand as she stared at the note that came with it: TO GET TO ANYWHERE BUT HERE YOU JUST HAVE TO HOLD ON TIGHT AND WANT IT BADLY ENOUGH. “Like an inedible fortune cookie,” she thought. Sister was thinking of some things she had wanted very badly in her life that no amount of desire made come to pass, lost lives and loves never save nor returned, when Natasha breezed through the cabin door.
“You’re up! My god! I didn’t think your legs would remember how to stand at this point! Holy cow!
Sister cringed deeply at what sounded to her like an accusation of frailty through and through. “I’m sorry, Natasha. I thought I would be able to do more in a new place, a new atmosphere. I really believed a change of scenery would be enough to…to…” her voice trailed off sounding confused, lost.
“To? To what? Natasha set her bag down on her bed. Sister could smell the sunscreen and chlorine on the towel and suit inside the tote and wondered again when she lost her own formidable love of the water. Of everything, really. “Little by little,” she murmured in response to her own musing.
“What?”
“Pardon?”
“You were just mumbling something, Sis, but what did I say that put that look back on your face?”
“Nothing! “Nothing at all! It’s not you, love. I’m just not…here.”
Sighing, Natasha flopped onto her bed on her back. “Sister, you’re too you to be this old. Your life sucked and your heart is broke a million times over in the worst ways possible but…but…you’re not…argh!…DONE! You’re not DONE!”
Squeezing her eyes shut with a grimace as though being tortured Sister moaned, “I don’t want to do this now, Nat. Please. Just don’t. It doesn’t help.”
“What does?! Leaving you alone doesn’t help! You’re too good at being alone and just staring at…at…walls and windows and pretty things. Do you even see them? Does it even matter if they’re there?”
She thought about what her friend was saying, what she was asking, and finally answered simple, “It matters,” and moved slowly toward her own bed to dazedly run her hands over her colourful quilts. They were crazy quilts, all chaos, colour, and pattern like kaleidoscopes or fractured mandalas and she lost herself in meditation before them for hours each day, mentally wandering through Then, avoiding Now, wondering if there was a tomorrow for her at all. Suddenly she cringed again and crawled under her skin with the discomfort of knowing how pathetic she looked, as though she were wasting her life away in a fog of Was, but she felt in her heart, too, that to left behind loves like her all life is a waste on the most meaningful level.
“Why don’t you wear clothes like that anymore? You used to be so pretty in all that colour! I know you’re mourning, hon, that you’ll always be mourning, but all this black you’re wearing has everyone on the ship convinced you’re a nun! It was one thing back home for people to buy it, but this is a whole new crowd, Sis!”
When Sis’s deeply beloved stepdaughter died and the child’s bereft father broke down and left behind everything – and everyone – on his journey of profound grief and search for meaning it was rumoured that Sissy swore off all love and future family in her own grief and took vows at the convent. That rumour combined with her new all black wardrobe had strangers hearing her called “Sis” leaping to the conclusion that “Sis” was short for “Sister”, as in “novitiate”. Her friends thought it funny and jokingly started calling her sister too. But the mourning clothes never got put away and neither did the nickname.
“Please. Please, please, please don’t start this, Nat. I can’t just start being happy and energetic because other people want me to! I want me to, but just wanting isn’t enough to make a lot of things happen that I wish I could make happen by just…” Looking over at the dresser for the walnut she got up, grabbed it, and finished, “…by just squeezing a damn WALNUT and…and…” Sis broke down sobbing.
Shocked by the tears her friend so very rarely shed, Natasha jumped up from where she was laying and threw her arms around Sister huffing, “I’m so sorry! I’m so sorry! I was trying to help! What can I do, honey? What can I get you?”
Choking on her tears, Sissy coughed once then shouted, “Out! You can get me out of here!” and emphasized the word “here” by sharply slapping the side of her head with her free hand. Natasha gasped and reached for her hand. “No, honey, don’t do that! What do you want, really, really, for real?”
“I want to be anywhere but here! Let me live again or let me OUT!”
Then they were both weeping, eyes closed tightly, but suddenly began to gasp for breath and opened their eyes wide with surprise which turned to fear when they saw the cabin spinning like a top. Falling to the floor in a heap they clutched each other in terror and struggled for deep breaths which soon came easier as the centrifugal force let up.
Afraid to open her eyes, Natasha fir put her hand down to touch the floor but snatched it back fast as light when she felt something coarser than carpet. Venturing a one-eyed survey of the situation she marveled at the sight of the straw bales they were sitting on in what appeared to be a barn. At her glib best in a crisis, Natasha lightly smacked Sis upside the head and said, “Okay, you got it. ‘Let me live again or let me out’. Fine. But what am I doing here? And don’t try to tell me this isn’t Hell, because I’m a city girl and we all know that Hell is rural.” By way of exclamation point Nat spitefully stuffed a handful of straw down the front of Sister’s shirt.
“Hey!” she protested.
“Call it whatever you like, but you owe me an apology, damn it! I’m your best friend, kiddo. I’ll drag you out of Hell but I didn’t volunteer to live here with you! You had no right to…to…” Beating her hands in frustration on the bales below her, Nat finally shouted, “I liked it by the pool! I can still swim! I don’t want to drown in misery with you!”
She said it. Finally. No one ever had. It was obvious that none of her friends or family had any tolerance for her misery but not one of them ever said they didn’t want to be there. Until now. Sissy had been craving it, the final kiss of, but she’d been fearing it too. Staring at Natasha who was overcome with grief at her own admission that she wanted out and away from her friend’s demise Sis was filled with a warm sensation of love and compassion for the great woman who sat beside her. “I’m sorry, Nat. I don’t know where we are but I didn’t mean to drag you along. I was just…”
Sobbing, Nat asked “Just ‘what’?” looked up and gasped as a raggedy donkey with big eyes lumbered up and started nibbling quietly on the straw sticking out of Sis’s shirt.
“Um…blind date?”
Laughing, Sis answered, “Just like all the rest! And I think it’s a ‘she’. Go for it, honey, and nice ta meetcha!”
Nat was more surprised by the smile on her friend’s face than the circumstances. Yes, it had really been that long since Sis has smiled a genuine mirthful smile. Smiling herself, Nat declared, “Donkeys are good for the soul, Sister.”
My dear Cruise Director…
